End of the Rope
by laylamk
Summary: A person can only take so much. Elliot is at the end of his rope.Olivia and Elliot help each other to work their way back up to the top of their ropes. Season 15. Chapter 8 is now up! Please review and let me know how ya feel. Love ya'll!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hello everyone! I know I've been a bad girl and haven't updated Benson Betrayal in a while. I have actually been working on several one shots and I just couldn't focus on it. You know what I mean? Anyway, this is something that I've wanted to write for a while now. Not sure if I'm going to add more or not. Let me know what you think! Please review! Also, you should check out like every story that you see updated frequently. I have been in love with all of them but I am far too lazy to list them all. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I would not mind owning a Christopher Meloni clone but ya know…**

He hadn't been able to shake the feeling of dread that encompassed his whole existence since… that day. Years of therapy and time off were of no help to him. After a while he started to search the bottom of the bottle for the answers he so desperately needed. But that only made it much worse.

He lost everything because of that day, his job, his wife, his kids, his home, but worst of all, his best friend. His depression made him unbearable. Kathy kicked him out, made him get his own apartment and then divorced him. He only saw his kids once or twice a month. They didn't deserve to have a murderer as a father. He knew that as his partner, Olivia would have taken him back, but how could she stand to be his friend after he killed a victim? Their friendship had always been more important than their partnership. No one wanted to be friends with the man that killed a mentally unstable teenager. Jenna was a child that dealt with too much stress in a short amount of time, not a serial killer. He could have talked her down but instead he held her as she bled to death. His bullet causing her to die was something that he could not handle.

The nightmares were the worst part. Every night he was forced to relive that day in the precinct. He couldn't avoid the nightly terror due to his all too human need for sleep. The images of Jenna in his arms dying over and over again, or Olivia dead on the floor in a pool of her own blood visited his sick mind every single night. Most nights he would wake up, sweating and struggling to breath before drinking until he passed out.

He shot a young girl and broke his own rule. He put Olivia first. She was too exposed tending to Sister Peg, too vulnerable. She was a big girl and a damn good cop, but she wasn't invincible. He had to keep her safe, but he killed a child. The Gitano case had done a number on their relationship and he wasn't even the one that killed Ryan. She hated him. There's no way that she could even stomach to look at him. He made sure of that by cutting her off. She called and called for the whole first year, but he never answered. He was not good for her.

Seeing her face on the news and in the papers had hit him like a ton of bricks. No amount of AA could help him. The numbness that came after several bottles of cheap vodka could. She was not safe. Some man had kidnapped her. He broke his own rule to save her and now it was very possible that she was lying cold and dead in the trunk of a car. He wanted to call Cragen, to help find her, but he couldn't. He wasn't good for back then and he wasn't good for her now. If he hadn't left her she might be safe at home watching a movie and eating Chinese food with him. God he missed those nights. Now she _hated_ him. The last thing she needed was his pity, his help. As a child murderer, he was no better than the man that took Olivia.

He hated the man he saw staring back at him in the mirror. That was not the man he remembered being. This man was tired and emotionally drained. Bags and wrinkles creased his face around his eyes. The little that he had left of his hair was thin and mostly grey. His eyes had gone from a nice pale blue to red and bloodshot. He sighed as he adjusted his tie. He never did like wearing them. It had to be straight, it was the last time he would ever wear one. He took one last look at himself in the mirror. He hadn't worn a suit for years.

He made his way into his small, lifeless bedroom. He grabbed his phone off of the dresser. He had to send one last text to his kids. They deserved that much. Much to his dismay, his phone started to ring. He hated that sound. After working at the Special Victims Unit for years, one learns that a phone call is never a good thing. He didn't recognize the number. He went to press the "end" button but accidentally answered the phone. He groaned before lifting the phone to his ear. "What?" he asked with a slight bite to his voice. There was little sound coming from the other end, he didn't want to deal with this now. He was about to hang up when a familiar yet haunting voice brought his thumb to a halt.

"Elliot? El…" he felt his heart break and speed up at the same time. Maybe he could just die of a heart attack.

"Olivia" he said barely above a whisper.

"El, I can't do this alone. I need you! Please Elliot come help me" she was crying as she plead.

Elliot's mouth hung open as he looked at the rope he earlier used to make a noose just sitting on his bed. _This is not real. This is not real. This is not real._ He repeated in his mind.

"Please, please El. He ra- he ra" she tried to explain, but her voice failed her.

He knew what he had to do.

"Tell me where and I'll be there".


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Thank you so much for all the reviews, favs , and follows! It means so much to me **

**This chapter has a lot of mention of Elliot's nightmares, but not exact details. I feel like Elliot would be like a shell of a person after the season 12 finale. I hope you enjoy it and please continue to review! **

**Disclaimer: I own nada.**

He made her stay on the phone with him the whole ride there. If this was another sick dream he was going to hang on to it as long as possible damn it. They didn't say a word to each other. What could he even say in this situation? _Hey Liv, I heard you were abducted and I was just about to kill myself, I'm glad you called. I'm a complete jackass that can't handle life, how have you been? _Nope. There was only the occasional sniffle from her and murmur cursing bad drivers from him.

His knuckles were white. He couldn't get his grip on the steering wheel under control. It was the only thing he could grasp at the moment. Why would she call him after he hurt her so much? He didn't want to think of the answer.

Olivia was only a few minutes away. Olivia was on the phone with him. Last night Olivia was lying on the precinct floor gasping for air. "Elliot why didn't you protect me?" she cried as he applied pressure to her wound while Fin checked Jenna for a pulse. The night before she had her throat slit by Gitano. The night before that she said she'd never forgive him for killing Jenna.

"Elliot, what's with the car horn?" she asked bringing him out of his daze. He looked up to see that the light was now green and could see a line of cars behind him waiting to go from his mirror. "Impatient mother fu-"

"Elliot please hurry! I think he's coming to. I have him cuffed to the bed but hell I could break it, so could he". The panic in her voice made him feel nauseas. It was the exact same in his nightmares.

_This is not real. This is not real. This is not real._

After another few minutes, he was there, in the driveway. He opened the door, but he didn't move from his seat. _This is not real. _

"El, I heard a car, is that you?", the nausea was back. Before he could even respond, he leaned over and threw up. With only his breakfast of two beers and some vodka in his stomach, it was quite painful. Olivia was saying something to him, but his groans made it seem like a foreign language. "One second, Liv, I'll be there".

When he regained his physical strength he got out of the car, phone in hand. He stood on the doorstep for a moment. He was about to go in and face a man that was strong and clever enough to kidnap Olivia Benson, Badass Benson. He had no weapons, only a broken heart and disturbed mind. How did he go from killing himself to saving someone else?

If the man had broken loose, he could very well do both. He could distract him long enough to get Olivia out and then beg him to kill him. Then his kids wouldn't have to hear that he took his own life. He never wanted them to think that they weren't enough.

He sighed before pushing the door open. The hall was covered in broken glass form pictures that were hanging on the wall. The smell of cigarette smoke was so strong that even a chain smoker would notice. He could hear faint crying through the last door on the left. His twelve years at the Special Victims Unit did nothing to prepare him for what he saw next.

Olivia was standing over a man, a monster, with her gun pointed right at his head. Her hands were shaking and she was sweating. She was post nightmare Elliot, a mess.

"I want to shoot you in the head" he heard her whisper to herself. She couldn't do that. It would ruin everything.

"Olivia, are you okay?" he asked causing her to flinch. _Stupid question, of course she's not._ She turned towards him, taking his breath away. She had deep creases and cuts on her face with dark and puffy bags under her eyes. She was tired and emotionally drained. She was his reflection.

He shuttered and she noticed. Of course she noticed, she always noticed. He had no control of his body anymore. Her gun was now on the dresser and she was wrapped in his arms. She gasped in pain, "my ribs" she explained. He loosened his hold on her a little. He didn't want her to be as sore as his steering wheel would be.

She smelled of his poison of choice, vodka. Her hair was dirty and knotted. Her clothes were slightly torn and she was covered in bruises and burns. This was just another nightmare. Soon she would be on the ground dying and he would wake up, drink and pass out. _Any minute now._

"Olivia, you didn't tell me that we were expecting company" the man on the floor half slurred. He felt Olivia tense in his arms. He felt a familiar flame burning in his chest. He never did have control of his rage. This man beat, tortured, and ra-he ra… sexually assaulted Olivia. His partner, no his best friend was hurt and he could do something about it this time. Someone was going to pay. He let go of her and turned to the man on the floor, "who the hell are you?" he spat.

"Johnathan Jones" the punk answered with a smirk.

"His name is William Lewis and he is a serial rapist and murderer" Olivia explained as she handed Elliot the metal bar she used on him earlier.

"All of those bitches wanted it… Now tell me Stabler, are you going to break my bones the way you broke her heart? The poor thing wouldn't stop talking about you earlier" His smile was sickening. He was getting off on this.

Elliot looked over at Olivia and she nodded. "How's this for an answer bitch?" he seethed. With that he swung as hard as he could at Lewis' knee, shattering his knee cap. The man screamed in agony. Elliot let him suffer for a few minutes before swinging again, this time at his elbow. The crunch of his bones was chilling yet satisfying.

Lewis hurt Olivia. Elliot broke his one rule to keep her safe and now they were here.

He was about to swing once more when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder.

"Don't kill him. I want him to rot in jail before he burns in hell".

Elliot nodded and held the rod a little looser. He took one more swing only using half his strength just to knock him out again.

"I knew you would still have anger issues" she said with a small smile. He had missed that smile.

"I do, but I'm not the same Elliot Stabler".

He grabbed his phone and dialed Cragen's number. He took a deep breath before hitting the send button. This was going to be rough, but that didn't matter. This was all just another sick dream anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN It kind of sounds like an ending chapter, but it's not. I have much more planned for this one! Thank you so much for all of the support! Let me know how you feel (please don't be mean, but constructive is completely welcomed). Love ya'll!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

"Olivia"

"No"

"Could you at least-"

"No!"

"Consider it because-"

"No!"

"Would you just listen to me?" he snapped.

She jumped when he raised his voice, making him feel guilty.

"Liv, I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

"Save it El, just say what you were going to say".

"You should listen to the doctor and stay an extra day. You won't be in as much pain and they'll help keep you hydrated" he explained as he sat on the edge of her bed.

He understood why she wanted to go home; they had already been there for 27 hours. She hadn't been able to actually rest much due to everyone visiting her, including Brian Cassidy.

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That was the most awkwardly painful part of the night. Cassidy came in with a dozen roses, which Olivia hated, saying how sorry he was that he canceled their plans. He left Olivia when she needed him the most. She was angry with him.

"Olivia baby, I'm so happy you're okay" Brian said reaching to kiss her. She pushed him away with all her strength, wincing because of her wrist. "I'm okay? How the hell do you figure that? What part of this is okay? When I was with Lewis I kept begging God to kill me…" her eyes filled with tears and Elliot tried to keep his under control.

He had only recently gotten through that faze himself. He would pray each night that it was his last, that God would end his pain… but now he saw why he didn't. If he had died, he wouldn't be here for Olivia. His best friend would be hurting and alone.

"I think it'd be better if you left…give her some time. I mean, it's up to Olivia" he said from his spot in the corner of the room. His tone was not angry, but plain. It was her choice; she didn't need his anger right now.

"I think Elliot's right. I just need some time Bri. Thanks for the flowers and for checking up on me. I promise I'll call you before I'm discharged". She gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek and sent him on his way.

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"Fine El, I'll stay. It's not like I have anywhere to go once I leave anyway". She was right; Cragen had told him that her place was a crime scene. Lewis had destroyed everything he could and Olivia would have to replace most of her belongings. "Where do you plan on going when you leave then?" he knew exactly where she was going to say, but he wanted to hear how she felt.

"I guess with Brian…" she said with a sigh.

"Or you can stay with me…only if you want to. I know we have a lot to talk about and I haven't been around and I'm probably not you're first choice but I-"

"Relax El, staying with you sounds pretty nice actually. We can catch up and I'll get to see the kids".

"Actually Liv, they don't live with me anymore… Kathy and I divorced a little over a year and a half ago".

"Do you want to tell me about it?" Her concern for him made him smile. Even when she was worse off, she put others first.

"Not now, but I promise I will. You need to rest up so we can sleep in real beds".

He hadn't left her side since Cragen and the squad showed up at the beach house. He wasn't going to let anything happen to her now that she was safe. He slept in the chair next to her bed when her medicine knocked her out. His back was killing him, but she was worth it.

_Killing me…Shit!_

"Uh Liv, I need to run home real quick and uh take a shower and tidy up a bit". He didn't want to leave her, but he needed to clean out his apartment. She couldn't see the noose he left on his bed, or the empty vodka bottles that covered his floor. She would kill him if she found out that he was... an alcoholic. He couldn't drink anymore. Not with her there. Her mother was a drunk. She didn't need him to be one.

_This is real. This is real. This is real._

Yesterday all of this had been a dream. Now it was real. He was actually in the same room as Olivia. He had actually saved her this time.

He was glad she had called before he sent the text to the children; they would have admitted him to the psych ward and put him on suicide watch.

"Are you going to go soon or…?" she asked, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"Yea, I'm just going to call the captain and have him stay with you". He knew that she wasn't ready to be alone. It would be a while before she felt safe again.

He was almost out of the room when he heard her call for him.

"Yes, Liv?"

"Thank you Elliot, for coming when I called and for staying with me".

"I would do it all again in a heart beat".


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Thank you for the continued support! I wasn't exactly sure if I wanted their talk in this chapter, so I decided to wait. It's in the next one though so don't worry! Please let me know how ya feel! And the congressman, I really like the idea and I'm probably going to use it, so thanks! Love ya'll!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

His floors hadn't been so clean since the day he first moved in. They shined and lacked sticky spots from spilling now that he had scrubbed them. A mop simply wouldn't do the trick. He had spent over an hour on his knees, scrubbing with a cloth and warm water. He wanted everything to look neat for Olivia. If his apartment was order, his life was in order.

That was the biggest lie of the century. He had spent fifteen minutes finding a hiding spot for his noose. Mentally stable people didn't have that problem. Sure he could have just thrown it away and made another one later if he felt compelled, but he wanted to keep it. It would be a reminder of how low he had gotten.

Dumping the alcohol was the hardest part. He watched as it poured down the drain with a look of dread. How was he going to deal with the stress without it? He would have to learn how, if not for himself, for Olivia. He kept the last bottle and stuck it in the top of his closet with his rope, just for the really bad days where a shot would make the world of difference.

His bedroom was spotless and his bathroom was completely scrubbed down. He dusted the whole place and even washed some of the dishes even though they were already clean. They had to be perfect for Olivia.

Now all he needed to do was shop. They would need food and she would need the basics: shower stuff, some clothes, and anything that made her feel comfy. He wanted to call Cragen and ask if she would be able to get any of her things since her place was a crime scene. She would want the old beat up blanket that she kept in her closet. She slept with it every night. It was torn and frayed on some of the edges, but she refused to give it up. He never thought that she'd be the type to get attached to a certain blanket, but she never let go of it that one time she was sick.

He had made her lay down on the couch so he could tuck her in. She never let anyone touch it before, he was the only one. It made her feel better after a long day of working in the roughest unit. It would calm her down to the point that she could fall asleep. Alcohol was his blanket.

He checked his watch before grabbing his keys. It was already 9 in the morning. He hadn't slept more than a few hours in the past few days, but it didn't matter. Olivia hadn't slept much either.

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He probably bought way more than they could eat in a month, but he didn't care. He didn't know exactly what size t-shirt or pants she wore anymore, so he bought a variety. He wasn't sure what kind of soap she used now, so he bought a bunch. Nothing was too much. Just as he finished putting everything away, his phone buzzed. It was a text from a number he didn't recognize.

_Hey El, the department got me a new phone since IAB took mine. I'm being discharged in an hour. Can you pick me up?_

He smiled. She would ask him to, as if he would let anyone else.

_Yea, I'll be there in fifteen._

He grabbed a bag of clothes that he had bought her and one of his sweat shirts. She would want to be covered.

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"Alright Detective, you are free to go. Remember to take off your brace before showering and take extra care of your ribs. Don't move around too much for the first few days. No heavy lifting or even bending at the waist if you can avoid it. Got it?". She eagerly nodded and stood up, grabbing the bag Elliot brought her. She couldn't wait to put on some real clothes. Hospital gowns were not the most comfortable things. She closed the bathroom door and started to sort through her options. There were a lot of blue and grey shirts, he had remembered that blue was her favorite color. She tried not to laugh at the many sizes he bought. He had no clue how women's sizes worked.

She chose a dark blue long sleeve shirt with a pair of black jeans. He smiled when she did a little turn for him. "You like the outfit, I see". He was proud of himself; she looked nice.

"Yes I do, cute, comfy, and I'm covered. I'll just put on my shoes and we can go".

_Shoes! Shit, I didn't bring the shoes! How do you forget shoes, everyone wears them?_

"El, I don't see any shoes in this bag" she said as she dug around the clothes.

"I'm so sorry Liv, I must have left them at home"._Stupid. So stupid._

She sighed and ran her good hand through her hair. "It's okay, I didn't give you much time to get here, and I'll be fine. Just pull the car up to the door and it'll be fine".

He had taken so much care when picking out her clothes, and he messed up. He always messed up.

"I'll go pull the car around".

On his way to the car, he decided to make a phone call.

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They hadn't said a single word to each other on the way to his apartment. There was so much that they had to say, and absolutely nothing that could be said at the same time. They had not been brought together under good circumstances and neither of them could handle the conversation they needed to have yet.

He parked his car in the garage and looked over at her. She was smiling at him. It made him nervous.

"What?" he asked, causing her smile to grow bigger. How was she smiling right now?

"I hope you have fun carrying me up to your apartment. The ground is cold and who knows what could get stuck in my feet".

"Seriously Liv? Couldn't I just go get your shoes and bring them back down?"

Her smile immediately dropped and a look of panic took over. She was scared to be alone. She didn't feel safe.

He quickly got out of the car and jogged over to her side. He opened her door and scooped her up in his arms, carrying her bridal style. He felt her breath against his neck as they rode up to his floor in the elevator. It felt so right to have her in his arms. If only they were in a different situation.

He set her down when they got to his door so he could unlock it. When he looked over his shoulder at her he saw that she was shaking. The last time she went into an apartment, she left with a gun being held to her head. He heard her step into the living room behind him, trying to show him that she was strong.

"Just stay here for a minute, I'm going to check things out".

She closed her eyes and nodded, thankful that she didn't have to ask.

"All clear" he called from his bedroom.

He noticed her visibly relax as he locked the door. She was safe for now.

He had no clue what to do from there. They were both just standing in the middle of the living room, staring at each other. It was extremely awkward. He felt as though he should break the ice.

"It's kind of chilly out these days".

_You. Are. An. Idiot._

"El, why don't we take a little while and get our thoughts together so we can ask each other what we want to? I know this is going to be hard and neither of us are well off at the moment, but I think it's better than sitting here waiting for the other to bring it up". He didn't trust his voice, so he nodded. He was not ready for this. He didn't know what she would even ask him, and he was terrified.

"Good, I'm going to hop in the shower, mind telling me where it is?"

"The shower is in the bathroom in my room, down the hall".

He waited until he heard the click of the bathroom door shutting before going in to his room. He heard the sound of running water as he reached up in to the top of his closet. _Just one shot to calm the nerves._


	5. Chapter 5

AN: so my dog ate my lap top charger :/ I just figured out that I can do a copy and paste thing from my phone so I'm sorry if this doesn't look right! I will update the other story tomorrow. Please review! Love ya'll

Disclaimer: I own nothing

He felt a wave of relief crash over him as he put the bottle to his lips. Just one shot and the nerves wouldn't be so bad. His throat burned as the liquid courage traveled down to his stomach. After a moment, he pulled the bottle back. Just about a sixth of the bottle was gone already. He hadn't planned on drinking that much. He had passed his limit, but was it really enough?

*A little more and then I'll put it back*

His lips were about to make contact with the bottle again when he heard the door open. Her eyes went wide as she stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. At any other time he would have loved to see her in nothing but a towel, but right now was not good. First of all, she had caught him red handed with an open bottle of alcohol. Second of all, he hadn't seen the extent of the damage Lewis had done to her earlier. He could see deep purple bruises in the shape of hand prints on the tops of her arms. Little burn marks covered the lower arm and leg regions. He had heard from the doctor that her chest was the worst, followed by her stomach and back. He couldn't imagine how they looked...

The look on her face told him that she knew exactly what he was doing; he was trying to drink away his problems. He expected her to yell at him, take the bottle from him and straighten him out. That's what she have done 3 years ago. Instead she surprised him with a simple question:

"How long?"

"Since I left". He saw her body begin to shake. The smell of alcohol was making her sick.

"I'm so sorry, Liv"

She put her hand up, she didn't want to do this while her hair was dripping and only wearing a towel.

"Let me get dressed, then we'll talk. Oh and leave the bottle with me".

He set the bottle down on his dresser, completely forgetting about his open closet, and left the room so she could dress. She sighed as she went about dressing. She chose a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. After she slipped them on, she felt a chill run down her spine. She had left the sweat shirt Elliot brought for her in the car. Since his closet was open, she decided to just grab another one. He wouldn't mind.

She bit her lip as she stretched to reach his folded hoodie on the top shelf. Her ribs were not enjoying it to say the least. She couldn't help but groan in frustration when she heard a light thud. When she saw what was now lying at her feet, she felt like she had been stabbed in the gut. With shaking hands she picked it up. Tears instantly sprang from her eyes and raced down her cheeks, dripping on her shirt.

Her body sank to the ground as her tears took over. She heard the door open, he must have heard her crying. He approached her slowly, trying to assess the situation, but her back was toward him.

"Olivia, what's wrong?"

He gently touched her shoulder but immediately retracted when she flinched.

"Please tell me that this is some sick joke or dream".

He moved so he was crouched in front of her, finding out what she was referring to. She was crying over the noose. She was crying over him.

"I wish it was... I really do, Liv".

Her brown eyes met his blue ones, asking for an explanation. He sat down next to her on the floor and grabbed her good hand, holding it between both of his.

"When Jenna came in with that gun, I only had one thing on my mind: to keep you safe. She had already killed sister Peg and you were too exposed. I didn't think Liv... I could have shot her in the arm or leg, but I shot her in the side. I held her in my arms as she bled, as she died. Later that night I went to a bar, I couldn't go home and face my kids. I had way too much to drink and I just broke down. I broke my own rule again... I picked you. I let my heart come before the job and because of that a child died, a victim died. For the next month or so, I went out and drank myself to an oblivion and only came home when I absolutely had to. I couldn't bare talking to you. Jenna was close to you, you understood her. I wouldn't be able to deal with losing you as my partner... If I didn't go back you couldn't request a new partner. I didn't even officially tell Cragen, I just sent in my papers. My drinking had gotten so bad at one point that Kathy kicked me out, divorced me, and even suggest that I talk to you.

Olivia, I convinced myself that you hated me because it was easier than dealing with the fact that I was hurting you. I'm a monster Liv, I don't deserve to be here... I didn't want to be here anymore. The pain was too much".

He finally looked up at her, but he almost wished that he hadn't. The pity in her eyes made him want to scream. He didn't want her pity, he didn't deserve it.

"I never hated you" she whispered. "I was mad at you for leaving me without a word, but I would never hate you".

He cupped her face in his hands and brushed away her tears.

"When did you plan on doing it?" She asked once her tears subsided.

"You know when you called? It's good you chose then".

She closed her eyes and nodded, trying to keep the tears in.

"Well, I'm glad that I called because... I need you, Elliot. There's no way I could get through the evil things that man did to me... Said to me... Made me watch without you".

He wrapped an arm around her in attempt to comfort her as she cried again. He knew that the next few months were sure to be emotionally draining for the both of them.


	6. Chapter 6

"This isn't exactly the most comfortable place to sit" she said. They had been sitting on the floor, just looking at each other for the last 20 minutes. She didn't want to push him any further. She respected him for being so open even though they hadn't seen each other in years. He certainly had no plans on making her relive the hell she survived.

"Sorry" he mumbled as he helped her up. She just shook her head. "Don't be".

He led her to the couch, watching as she got comfortable. He knew that she hadn't eaten and it wasn't very likely that she would, but he had to try. "Are you hungry? I can make something light" he offered, hoping that she would at least humor him.

"No" she sighed. He ran a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated with her lack of caring.

"You're going to get sick if you don't eat".

"I'm not a child, I know when to eat, Elliot" she retorted, her patience wearing thin. His bottom had just hit the couch when he heard a knock on the door. He groaned out of annoyance and quickly opened the door, causing Olivia to jump.

"Brian, come on in". Olivia was not happy but she knew that it would happen eventually. She watched as her boyfriend slowly made his way in to the apartment, dropping a trash bag on the floor as he went. She felt her breath catch in her chest when he dropped to his knees in front of her.

"I've missed you so much" he whispered, grabbing her face in his hands and bringing his lips to her. She kept her eyes open, letting Elliot know that something was wrong. He decided to give them some space and went into his bedroom.

"Bri, we have to talk" she said as calmly as she could. She watched as his smile faded and was replaced by a frown.

"I knew this would happen" he said, shaking his head.

"You knew what would happen?" she questioned, feeling angry with his attitude.

"Don't act like you don't know. I knew that you would go and stay with Elliot and you'd fall for him all over again. Do you really think he's going to stick around this time? He's just going to hurt you!"

"At least he's here now that I need him! We had plans and you cancelled them!" she yelled, pushing his chest.

He was ready to put his two cents in, but Elliot came back into the room. He didn't say a word as he picked Olivia up in his arms, carrying her back into the bedroom. "I need to talk to her for a minute" he said before shutting the door.

"What the hell was the, El?"

"You need to calm down a bit; you just indirectly blamed him for your kidnapping. Don't you think he feels bad enough?"

Olivia immediately felt guilty, and he could see that she was about to break down again. Her shoulders started to shake as her head bowed. The tears were back. "I'm such an awful person".

Elliot wrapped his arms around her and held her close. "No you're not, you have been through a lot and you don't know how to handle the anger. It's okay, I'm sure Cassidy will forgive you". She nodded and took a step back, giving herself some space.

"I was trying to tell him that I need some time…a break".

Elliot didn't know what to say. Should he support this? Would she be happier?

_Is this real?_

Olivia walked back to the couch where Brian was now sitting. "I'm sorry" she said sincerely. "You are not to blame for this…I need some time Brian".

His eyes were brimmed with unshed tears. "I want you to be happy, even if you're not with me… I'm so sorry that I haven't been there for you lately". He carefully grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles.

"You are going to make someone really happy one day Bri, I promise". She kissed him on the cheek and before she could say anything else, he was out the door.

She sighed and saw Elliot standing off to the side out of the corner of her eye. "I'm guessing you heard all of that".

"Yea" he said as he grabbed the bag off of the floor.

"Even the part before I started crying?"

"The part about me? Yea".

A few more tears made their way down her cheeks as she hugged her knees to her chest.

"I have something that might cheer you up" he said, holding something behind his back.

"I highly doubt it" she quipped.

He watched a huge smile take over her face.

"You remembered?"

"I remember everything when it comes to you" he said as he sat down next to her. He was surprised when she lay down on the couch, resting her head in his lap. He carefully covered her with her favorite blanket, keeping the ear to ear smile in place.

"I needed this after a day like today; I found out that my best friend is a suicidal mess and I broke up with my boyfriend. Man, isn't my life great?"

He chuckled and let his hand rub her back, soothing her. "Just get some rest".

"El?"

"Yea, Liv"

"I missed you"

"I missed you too"

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The next few days were even worse than he expected. Olivia couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time without being awoken by a nightmare of William Lewis.

She would scream and cry, calling out for Elliot to help her. There were even a few times where she threw up because of how worked up she had become. Elliot slept in the bed with her because she was afraid to be alone. That and he could easily wake her when her nightmares were too intense.

Cragen and Fin had come over and taken her complete statement, but she had insisted that Elliot leave the room. She couldn't bring herself to tell him the details of her attack. He was sick enough as it was. He was hurt that she wouldn't say anything when he was in the room, but he understood.

That night after her coworkers left, Elliot held her as she sobbed. Having to go back to the days with her captor was not something she ever wanted to do again, but they both knew that she would have to for the trial. The Captain had given him the card for a great therapist that Olivia should go to.

(At the therapist's office, waiting room)

"I don't want to do this" Olivia said, her voice shaking.

"It'll help you".

"Hypocrite" she whispered, but he still heard. "I don't want to tell a complete stranger what Lewis did to me".

"What if I went in with you, that way you could just look at me the whole time? I know you don't want to tell me either, but it might help". She looked at him for a long moment, contemplating her choices.

"I think that could work".

"Olivia Benson, Dr. Lindstrom is ready for you".

Elliot could see that Olivia was nervous. Her hands were shaking and her breath was uneven, forcing air in and out of her lungs. He gently grabbed her elbow, guiding her into the office. "It'll be okay, Liv".

_Will it really be okay? I shouldn't say things that I can't promise are true. _

"I'm Dr. Lindstrom, you must be Olivia Benson. Come on, sit down and get comfortable. We have a whole hour and a half today so start wherever you see fit".


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: I know that this chapter is somewhat not Benson like, but at the same time the way I write doesn't portray Benson exactly like the show does… Anyway, it jumps around bit and that's completely on purpose. Also, I took some liberties here. Let me know what ya think! Love ya'll!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!**

**Shout out: Everyone's support is awesome but I have to give the congressman a special thank you for all the support and being so nice and easy to talk to! Check out countdown and prey, you won't be sorry!**

"Well, I guess it would make sense to explain why I'm here: Elliot and I have known each other for about 15 years and-"

"What the hell are you doing?" she heard him harshly whisper in her ear. She rolled her eyes and chose to ignore him.

"He has always had issues controlling his anger and expressing how he feels in a healthy way and that is something that worried me. Now he suffers from a dependency on alcohol and since I've been staying with him he hasn't been drinking. I've noticed that sometimes his hands get really shaky and he loses his temper at the drop of a hat".

Elliot's jaw nearly hit the floor. She had set him up with her "nerves" out in the waiting room. He shook his head and bit his tongue. She wouldn't see him crack.

took note of his response. Anger was indeed an issue that needed to be addressed. "How do you feel without the alcohol, Elliot?" he asked after a long moment.

"You have to be kidding me" the younger man groaned, getting up and walking to the door, ready to leave.

"Elliot!" she yelled, making him halt.

"Please don't leave… I can't lose you again" she admitted as she came up behind him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll give you two a moment to talk about this" said, maneuvering past them and out of the room.

Elliot still hadn't turned to look at her, making her more scared than before. _Maybe this wasn't a good idea _she thought.

"Please tell me what's going through your head" she implored as she attempted to get him to turn.

She almost wished that she hadn't gotten him to look at her when she saw his face. He looked like a wounded puppy.

"I can't believe you set me up like that! I told you that therapy wouldn't help me!" His voice was getting louder as he spoke.

She flinched but quickly recovered. "I had to! You're such a stubborn jackass that you wouldn't even try it if I didn't trick you! You know exactly why I did this; I care about you. I care about you way too much to just sit back and watch you suffer. I had to try to help you, El…"

He was speechless.

"Elliot, if you can look me directly in the eyes and tell me that there is nothing wrong, that you don't need any help, I will let you walk right out that door and go home. Hell, I'll never even bring it up again" she wagered.

There was a long pause. Elliot would open his mouth and close it, unable to get the words out.

"That's what I thought".

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"I-I drank so that I could forget what I did. I wanted to be numb and alcohol was the easiest way… I never expected that I would become an alcoholic".

Olivia was extremely surprised that Elliot was opening up so much. He had told exactly what he had told her days before.

"Why don't we stop there for today? I must say that I am quite proud of you for cooperating so wells. I know that you were unprepared for this session".

Elliot gave the doctor a small smile and nodded in thanks. The doctor was growing on him.

"Now, Olivia, your captain told me that you were recently abducted…".

Elliot saw her swallow, probably to hold back the tears. She took a deep breath and tried to get her thoughts together. That was impossible.

"When I got home a little over a week ago, I heard someone moving around. I didn't think much of it; in fact, I thought that it was my boyfriend at the time surprising me. I had such a rough week that I was excited for a break. When I called out to him, I didn't get a response. That's when I knew that something was up. The next thing I knew, William Lewis is standing in front of me, gun pointed at my head".

Hearing Olivia's account of the events for the first time was almost like getting hit by a truck. He felt like he couldn't breathe.

"I froze. I'm a highly trained cop that's been working in the special victims unit for 15 years…and I froze".

Elliot heard her start to sniffle. His hand found her own and gave it a firm squeeze. It was his silent way of telling her "It's okay, I'm here".

"I think he hit me or something, because all I remember is being tied and duct taped to one of my chairs. He forced me to watch him destroy my furniture, my pictures, everything… Then, he took my keys and some coat hangers and put them on the stove".

She stopped a moment to swallow a sob.

"It's alright Olivia, you can tell us. We won't think any less of you" encouraged.

Olivia nodded. _You are strong, Olivia. You can do this_.

"He burned me, everywhere. There are burns on my chest, torso, arms, and legs, everywhere. He forced vodka down my throat…threatened to shoot me if I didn't swallow. He decided that pain pills would be really fun once I was nice and buzzed. I passed out and can't remember what happened the next several hours".

"You're doing good, Liv" Elliot told her as he wrapped an arm around her, more for his comfort than hers.

"I just-I can't… I saw him do so many evil things to so many people. I was in the back of the car when he shot that police officer, an innocent young man who probably had a family… then there was that lawyer's parents. He shot the father as soon as we got there, but the mom tried to run. If I wasn't tied up I would have helped her, I should have been able to help her! I'm a detective!" Tears streamed down her face and she felt like she couldn't breathe.

Elliot held her close to him, whispering sweet words in her ear. "You're safe. I'm here".

Dr. Lindstrom was intrigued by the two of them. They were both shattered and scarred, but the way they cared about each other was rare. He had seen hundreds of alcoholics over the years, but none that could somehow forget all about their own issues to help the person they care for.

"He-he made me sit there, tied to a chair while he raped her. Every time I blinked or tried to look away he would hit her, point the gun at her head. She was screaming, begging him to stop…I wanted to die. I couldn't take another minute of it. Then he left her, alive surprisingly. I didn't think she was going to make it because he had beaten her pretty bad".

She took a deep breath and moved so that she was even closer to Elliot. "I'm sorry, my thoughts are just so scattered that I don't even know what to say. I can't sort out what happened when…the drugs and alcohol probably play a big part in that".

"If you want to stop for now, that's okay. I won't push you if you aren't ready" Dr. Lindstrom said, handing her a tissue.

"There's one more thing I need to say". She looked Elliot directly in the eyes, knowing that she wouldn't be able to say this to the therapist that she just meant.

"He never got the chance to rape me…but I was assaulted" she whispered.

Elliot felt nauseas. She had mentioned it on the phone that day, but she had never explained. He didn't want her to.

"I had to go to the bathroom so bad that last day. He laughed at me. He watched me struggle to get off of the bed and try to get to the bathroom before I had an accident. Just before it was too late, he uncuffed me and took me to the bathroom. He unbuttoned my pants for me, pulled them down to my ankles…let his hands run up and down my thighs. He kept saying how much fun we were going to have…"

Elliot could feel the bile in his throat. _I have to be strong for her. She needs to say this._

"When I was done, he-he"

She tucked her head in to Elliot's neck, trying to hide. She couldn't finish her sentence.

"Olivia, I know this is hard, but I'm here. I won't judge, but I swear to God that I will kill Lewis if I get the chance".

_I should have just beaten him until he died._

"He put his fingers inside me" she whispered; bring tears to Elliot's eyes.

"He wanted to see if I wanted him just as much as the others did".

"I'm so sorry" they heard Lindstrom say, but neither acknowledged it.

"Let's just end this for today… I'd like to see the both of you in two days. I want you both to write down some of your thoughts that you feel are important". Olivia freshen herself up a bit, before they went back out into the waiting room.

Elliot's mind was reeling. _Olivia. Lewis. Gun. Burned. Rape. Kinapped. Assaulted. Tied. _

He grabbed the trashcan that was next to the main desk and threw up. His body clenched over and over again until he had nothing left.

Olivia knelt down next to him, trying to help him calm down. There were a few people in the room, all clearly alarmed.

"Nothing to see here!" she told them, causing them to look away.

"Are you okay, El?"

"Yea" he lied as he pulled himself up.

"I'm so sorry" he told the woman at the desk who simply gave him a sad smile.

"Don't be. Sometimes things get to be a little too much… At least you made it to the can" she said, trying to make him feel better.

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Elliot crawled into bed, ready to go to sleep. He looked over at the clock, it was only noon.

"I brought you some soup… I wasn't sure if you'd want anything heavier" Olivia said, carrying a tray into the room.

"You didn't have to do that".

"Look, this is not a one way street, El. You can't expect me to just sit back and watch you be in pain while you do everything you can to help me. You're my best friend…I want to help you".

Elliot gave her a small, tired smile. She was right, they both needed help.

"We'll get through this together" he told her as he took the tray from her, setting it on his lap.

He grabbed the spoon and slurped some of the broth. "Really? I hate when people do that" she said, settling in next to him.

"Sorry, it's too good to not slurp. I haven't had soup for a long time".

"It's only Campbells".

He shrugged and got another spoonful, feeding it to her.

"That is pretty good".

"Mhm".

She opened her mouth, telling him that she wanted more. He chuckled and complied, eating a spoonful himself and then feeding her until the bowl was empty.

They started to feel nice and sleepy since their stomachs were full and their morning was trying. Just as she was about to drift off, Elliot whispered to her "Just so you know, Liv, you will never lose me again".

"I know" she whispered back.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Sorry it's been a while since I've updated this, but I always wind up feeling a little depressed when I write for this one. I guess it's just because they're both in such a dark place that it gets to me. Anyway, thanks for the support and keep it up! I hope you enjoy it. Love ya'll!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Dick Wolf had Law and Order SVU and Rascal Flatts has the song Stand which I "borrowed". **

Elliot's Journal:

_The floorboards in my apartment desperately need to be replaced. On many a night I have dropped a bottle, spilled my drink and even gotten sick on it; but that isn't the problem. It squeaks too much. Olivia had a panic attack in her sleep a few days ago and accidentally hit me in the eye when I tried to wake her. I have a shiner now, and she feels guilty every time she looks at me. Ever since then, she insisted that she'd be fine if I wanted to sleep on the couch. I didn't want to if I was being completely honest, but I know her well enough to know what she meant. She doesn't want me to see her like that anymore. She doesn't want me to get hurt._

_Sleep is even harder to get now that my bed is the couch. It is comfortable enough, but she always sneaks out into the living room in the middle of the night. If it weren't for that damn squeak I never would have known. I never let her see that she woke me, so I pretend to be asleep until she retreats to the bedroom. Most nights she just grabs a glass of water and occasionally her pain medicine, but last night she surprised me. _

_I could hear her rummaging through the kitchen drawers, on a mission of some sort. Knowing that she wouldn't be able to see me well enough, I kept one eye open and on her, trying to figure out what she was doing. _

"_Where the hell does he keep them?" she whispered to herself. _

_She finally found what she was looking for in the very last drawer._

_It was a pair of scissors._

_I felt the panic rise in my chest, but I fought to keep it down. I trust her with my life, but right now that's not important. I need to trust her with her own life. The only reason I worry is because I am dealing with such minimal problems compared to her and I have wanted to die every day. No one should have to deal with what she's going through._

_She quietly closed the bedroom door, and then the bathroom door, giving herself plenty of privacy. I had to make sure that she wasn't going to do anything rash, so I followed her. I didn't hear a single sound through the bathroom door and I thought I was too late. My body slumped against the door as I cried. Olivia._

Olivia's journal

_William Lewis has haunted me every single night since my return. He loves to pop up in every dream, smiling at me, taunting me, running his hands down my body. I know that I always wake up Elliot because I cry and scream in my sleep. I think that I even yelled for him specifically a few times. He'll never tell me, but I can see it on his face. _

_I accidentally punched him when he woke me. I was having a flashback. Lewis was on top of me, pressing the hot metal into my flesh over and over and over again, branding me. Making me his… I tried so hard to get him off of me. Elliot barely even flinched even though his eye swelled up and bruised. He doesn't deserve that. He sleeps on the couch now, that way at least one of us can enjoy the privilege of uninterrupted slumber._

_Last night was particularly rough. Every time I shut my eyes, Lewis was there. I gave up on sleeping all together. I made my way into the kitchen, planning on getting some water as usual, but these thoughts kind of…took over me. I found the scissors before locking myself in the bathroom…_

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Flashback (third person)

_Olivia stood in front of the mirror, the scissors held firmly in her hand. The first cut was timid, not strong enough to cut through the top layer. She closed her eyes, trying to control her breathing. The next cut was much more confident. She watched with a sick satisfaction as a long piece of her hair dropped to the floor. It had taken a few years to grow it out since her pixie cut, but now it was the last thing she wanted. The feeling of Lewis' fingers running through it, grabbing it, pulling it until she yelped in pain was too much. It had to go. _

_It was uneven and choppy, but it was hers. The scissors were long forgotten about as she sank to the floor, sitting in the pile of her discarded hair. She felt relief wash over her, but it was only temporary. _

_After a while, she heard a faint sound. Elliot. He was crying. She slowly pulled herself up, unlocking the door in the process. Opening the door that he was leaning on caused him to fall back, his head landing right near her feet._

"_El, what's wrong?" she asked, kneeling down next to him, running her hand up and down his arm._

"_I thought I lost you" he choked out, fighting to stop his sobbing. She was okay. He wasn't too late._

_He sat up and pulled her into his arms, hugging her as if he was never to see her again. She melted in his embrace, her arms encircling his waist. They held each other for a long moment, neither wanting to leave the warmth and comfort of the other. _

_He only realized the change in her hair after he attempted to tuck a piece behind her ear. Unable to read his reaction, she shyly asked "Do you like it? I know it needs to be fixed"._

"_I love it"._

_He kissed her forehead and then her cheeks, wanting nothing more than to continue, but stopping since neither of them were ready for more. _

"_I'll fix those pieces in the morning" he said as he lifted them from the ground, carrying her back to bed. _

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Now ( 's office)

This was their third time seeing the therapist. Olivia was surprised that Elliot had actually returned after his incident in the waiting room, but she wasn't complaining. Having Elliot with her made it much easier to handle for her, and she knew that he felt the same. Out of the two of them, he was taking this much more seriously. Every couple hours she would catch him writing something down in that journal, whereas she used hers twice. Maybe it was because their situations were different. Or maybe it was because she didn't want to write about her nightmares and thoughts since they never left her alone anyway. They hadn't talked about anything that they wrote in them yet anyway. Either way, she was proud of him.

"I haven't talked to any of my kids in months…they know what I've become and they want nothing to do with it" she heard Elliot say. Dr. Lindstrom had decided to learn more about Elliot's family and his childhood, but Elliot wasn't giving him much. It didn't surprise her since she was forced to assume that his mother was dead until Kathleen's break in.

"Olivia, did you hear what I said?"

"I'm sorry what?"

"I asked when you got your hair cut".

Elliot looked over at Olivia, waiting for her to tell the tale.

"I did it last night". She refused to look at him. Her hands were the only things that she would look at.

"Yourself? Well, I must say that it looks very nice". His tone actually bothered her a little bit. He has a degree in therapy, not cosmetology. She knew that this was not uncommon among survivors of traumatic attacks, but he didn't need to rub it in.

"I fixed a few pieces this morning" Elliot explained, grabbing her hand.

"Why did you cut it?" Lindstrom asked, ready to write down her answer.

"Because I wanted to".

Elliot squeezed her hand, earning her attention.

"Come on, Liv. You can talk about it".

"It's how he controlled me. If he wasn't holding a gun to my head or forcing drugs and alcohol down my throat, he was pulling and touching my hair".

"You wanted to take that control from him" Lindstrom summarized.

She nodded, knowing that he knew what she was saying.

"Good for you".

They talked about her excessive blaming of herself for the whole thing for the rest of the time. Olivia did feel a little better afterwards. Dr. Lindstrom had made a really good point which changed her view quite a bit.

"You're a detective, not a super hero".

Most people would find the comment kind of harsh, but it was what she needed. Olivia finally accepted the fact that what Lewis did to her was not something that she could have prevented. She was only human. As grouchy as she had been going in to the office that day, she was glad that she went. seemed to be perfect for them.

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They never said much while in the car. It was their thinking time. After their session though, she was done with thinking for the day. She turned up the radio and just listened to it for once.

"_You feel like a candle in a hurricane  
>Just like a picture with a broken frame<br>Alone and helpless, like you've lost your fight  
>But you'll be all right, you'll be all right<em>

_Cause when push comes to shove  
>You taste what you're made of<br>You might bend till you break  
>'Cause it's all you can take<br>On your knees, you look up  
>Decide you've had enough<br>You get mad, you get strong  
>Wipe your hands, shake it off<br>Then you stand, then you stand_

_Life's like a novel with the end ripped out  
>The edge of a canyon with only one way down<br>Take what you're given before it's gone  
>And start holdin' on, keep holdin' on<em>

_Cause when push comes to shove  
>You taste what you're made of<br>You might bend till you break  
>'Cause it's all you can take<br>On your knees, you look up  
>Decide you've had enough<br>You get mad, you get strong  
>Wipe your hands, shake it off<br>Then you stand, then you stand"_

She turned off the radio, not wanting to ruin the high she was feeling. Elliot must have felt it too, because he was smiling at her.

"You know what?" he asked once he parked the car.

"What?"

"I really love your hair like that".

She blushed, turning to look out the window so he wouldn't see.

"You know why? Because it reminds me of one of my happiest memories".

Once she was looking at him again he continued.

"The day we met".


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Hey ya'll! Sorry I haven't been updating, life is in the way! Anyway, I will be away this weekend and so I plan to update Wild Hearts tomorrow, but Blind Tenderness will have to wait until early next week, sorry **

**Thanks so much for all the support and I know this chapter is kind of…choppy. However, I am going waaaaay further into it in the next chapter, so have no fear! If you want to review, I am more than okay with that. Enjoy**

**Disclaimer: Yup. You already know where I stand.**

_They were snuggled up on the couch when there was a knock on the door. It wasn't an ordinary knock though. It was a loud, purposeful knock. It was a cop knock. Elliot gently moved Olivia out of his arms so he could get the door. _

_Olivia's heart dropped when she saw who it was. NYPD, just like they thought. She was frozen in her place. They knew._

"_Can I help you, officers?" Elliot asked, stepping aside so that they could enter his apartment._

"_Yea, are you Elliot Stabler?" the older, greying man asked._

"_Yes"._

"_Well then, , I'm afraid that this is not a good visit for you. Elliot Stabler, you are under arrest for the murder of William Lewis"._

_Olivia ran up to them, putting her hand on the arm of the younger officer who was about to cuff Elliot. _

"_Wait! William Lewis isn't dead"._

"_He died this morning Ma'am, his injuries were pretty bad and since that caused him to die…"_

"_What makes you think that Elliot did it?" she asked._

_Elliot and Olivia locked stares, each searching the others for an answer. _

"_His prints were found on the metal rod that was used on " the older man explained. Olivia felt like she had been hit by a truck._

"_Please, you can't do this! I need him! William Lewis deserved to die!" she begged._

_The younger officer's pity was evident on his face, but he had to do his job. _

"_I'm sorry. Elliot Stabler, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you can and will be used against you in a court of law-"_

"_Elliot, I'm so sorry! I can't lose you". She was sobbing, following them out the door._

"_Liv, I'll be okay honey. I promise everything will be okay". He tried to reassure her. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms. _

"_Just promise me that you'll tell the kids that I love them". He was giving up. He was already accepting the fact that he was going to prison._

"_Elliot! No!" she screamed as they made their way on to the street and to the squad car._

_William Lewis ruined her life. She ruined Elliot's life. She was all alone. _

"Olivia! Olivia, you need to wake up honey, you're screaming" Elliot said as he carefully shook her shoulder. It was very early in the morning and his neighbors were probably getting pissed. She had been screaming for about three minutes and tears were starting to flow. He was worried about her.

Her eyes popped open. She clutched her head and curled up in a ball. "I'm so sorry! I'm really sorry!" she choked out. That dream really shook her up.

She felt his arms wrap around her, bringing her close to him. One of his hands ran through her short tresses while the other tried to pry hers away from her face.

"Sweet heart, I need you to calm down. Take some deep breaths for me". She followed his lead, deeply inhaling and shakily exhaling, slowly gaining some control. Once she was able to breathe normally again, she crawled out of his arms and settled herself against the headboard.

"Now, why are you sorry? There's no reason for you to be sorry".

"I shouldn't have called you" she whispered, unable to look at him.

"Why do you say that?" He didn't want her to know that she had hurt him, so he kept his emotions in check.

"We have a problem. Your prints are on that metal rod. I never mentioned you grabbing it in my statement. El, you can go to jail for assault if they find out, or worse, if Lewis dies it's murder".

One of the perks of being mentally screwed up is that you never worry about the big problems since the little ones are far more haunting.

"El, what's going through your head?" It was bothering her that he hadn't said anything. How can a man be told that he might be facing prison and not react at all?

"You shouldn't be sorry. If you hadn't called me, I would be dead, Liv. My body still might be hanging in my bedroom. I was at the end of my rope. I would beat William Lewis over and over again every day for the rest of my life if I had to".

He watched as she shook her head in disbelief. He knew that she was still worried, but she had to understand that he didn't give a rat's ass.

"Elliot, we have to fix this. I can't lose you. I need you".

"Olivia Benson, you are the strongest woman that I have ever met, you do not need me. You have been independent all your life, you can do anything. You just think that you need me. Are we going to try to fix this? Yes, of course. But we can't guarantee that it will work. I will have your back no matter what, so what's the story?"

(Rafael Barba's office)

"So what was your emergency, Benson?" Barba asked, leaning back in his desk chair. She took her usual seat in the chair across from him while Elliot stood in the door way.

"Elliot's finger prints are going to be found on that metal rod that I used on Lewis".

Barba's brow rose as did his interest in their meeting. He was fully committed to Olivia and the case, but they still had a few days before they needed to start prepping. When she called him claiming that they needed to talk as soon as possible he was surprised. No victim that he had dealt with was so willing and eager to get started. At the same time, Olivia Benson wasn't just another victim.

"You never said that Elliot did anything with the bar".

Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath, preparing herself to lie to one of the best lawyers that she knew.

They had practiced the story over and over again on the way. She had the bar in her hand when Elliot walked in and he grabbed it from her once Lewis was unconscious. Short and to the point.

"Elliot took the bar away from me once William Lewis was unconscious and unable to lunge at me again. He set it down on the dresser and called Captain Cragen immediately".

"Is that what happened ?" Barba asked, not showing his reaction.

"Yes, Olivia hit him in the knee, elbow, and head out of self-defense. I took the bar away from her because I didn't want her to do anything she'd regret".

Barba simply nodded and wrote down their addition.

"Look Liv, I need to know why you didn't tell me this little detail from the beginning".

She shrugged. "It didn't seem important until Elliot and I were reminiscing about the old days and how Tucker was constantly after his badge. He didn't like Elliot's anger and if he caught word of this, he might be able to get charges pressed against Elliot".

Barba wasn't buying any of it, but he wasn't going to press any further. He had to know as little as possible to be able to put them on the stand.

"Alright then, I guess we'll leave it at that. Oh, and Liv, remember, I'm in your corner. Lewis will be punished".

(Ride back to Elliot's apartment)

"Well, he knows that I was lying" she stated as she stared out the window, watching the rest of the world go on as if nothing was wrong.

"What did you expect? He's a great lawyer and he's known you for a while now. I'd be scared if he did believe you".

"We're not in the clear yet, but I'm glad we did that". He gave her hand a gentle squeeze as they continued down the road.

(Elliot's journal)

_To say that I need a drink is the understatement of the century. Olivia has been freaking out since that dream. She is beating herself up for "ruining" my life. I don't think she realizes that there was nothing left to ruin. Without her in my life, I had three friends: whiskey, vodka, and beer. We would hang out for several hours a day until I finally passed out. _

_I'm trying not to let the stress get to me, but I can't help but think about how nice it would be to dull the force of our troubles with a drink or two…_

_The only thing that keeps me going is Olivia. I need her. She doesn't need me even though she said she does. She is incredible and doesn't need someone like me to bring her down, but I've been blessed enough to have her in my life. Hell, she is my life. I love her. I would do anything for her. _

_That woman really is one of a kind though. I didn't buy very much clothes for her, so she's been wearing mine when we're home. I offered to take her out and get some new stuff, but she just smiled and said that she prefers mine anyway. _

(Olivia's Journal)

_The dream has occurred multiple times today. Every time I fall asleep actually. This cycle really sucks. I don't sleep much at night because of my nightmares, but then when I try to nap throughout the day, they continue to haunt me. I can't decide which is worse, reliving Lewis' torture every night, or losing Elliot over and over again. He's my best friend and honestly, I love him. He's my everything. I can't lose him and I will do everything in my power to keep him with me. We've been through enough and I'm honestly not sure that I could do the whole cry over your best friend that's gone thing again. _

_Elliot cracks me up sometimes. He worries about the little things. The fact that I ran out of clothes the other day is more important than the fact that we left evidence at the scene. That man needs some help, as do I, but I suppose that's why I'm writing in this thing. _

(Bed time)

Olivia said that she wanted to watch a movie. It was hard to find one that would be okay to watch. They couldn't watch anything violent or gory because she didn't know if she was ready for that. He put on the movie with the most ridiculous title, which happened to be Bride Wars.

"This is one of my favorite movies" she confessed during the first commercial brake.

He couldn't help but laugh. He never imagined that Olivia would be the type to like the girly movies. "I can't believe that you've seen this before and you're telling me that this is a favorite of yours?"

"I don't appreciate your teasing. This happens to be a great movie". She stuck her tongue out at him before leaning in to his side and covering them with her blanket. She had every intention of enjoy her movie and Elliot as much as she possibly could.

Right before the commercials ended, Elliot's cell phone began to ring.

"Who is it?" she asked, not liking the stunned look on his face.

"Kathy".

**AN: DUN DUN DUN! How'd you like their little confessions to themselves? Or that ending?**


End file.
